Be Brave, Ask Them For Forgiveness

I feel it is very important for soul growth to accept responsibility for what we've done.

For the pain we've caused other people.

It takes a lot of strength and courage.

Except for those people who are serial apologists who apologize and it doesn't mean anything.

We're not talking about those people, we're talking about those of us where it actually means something.

Sometimes we have to take responsibility for something big.

For example, there are going to be a lot of people taking responsibility for leaving a certain cult.

And I'm all for that.

But it doesn't mean, if I'm the person asking for forgiveness, that they have to forgive me.

That truly, in a sense, isn't the important part.

Although it is good if they do, and it's wonderful if they can.

But sometimes you can't, and that's fine - that's what it is.

The important part is that we, as individuals, take responsibility.

For our actions, what we've done, what we did to contribute to a bad situation.

This helps us grow as individuals and is an important life lesson.

This lesson was a huge one for me, because when I was growing up my mother would never, ever - like literally this woman pathologically would not apologize.

Anytime we as kids did something wrong, she would dredge up something from years ago.

I'd be telling her, "But Mom, I was only seven years old!"

Apparently the mistakes we made then meant we were that way forever and ever.

No wonder she had such trouble apologizing if that's the way she viewed things!

So my formative experience made me feel very nervous to apologize for mistakes.

It wasn't an easy thing for me.

Maybe you don't have an issue with this, if you were raised by somebody very different than me!

But for a lot of us, especially the bigger the thing is, the harder it can be to accept responsibility.

Because of the way I was raised, even the smaller things were harder for me.

That's still something that I have difficulty with.

I always know what I'm doing, though, because I have Madeleine (if you've checked out any Visionary Om posts, you'll know what I'm talking about).

Madeleine says, "Oh that's interesting" whenever I say or do something hurtful.

She doesn't say it in a judgmental way at all, it's just 'that's interesting'.

She finds it fascinating that I would make certain choices.

Because of this response, I never get away with being oblivious to my hurtful words or actions.

It's just the gap between knowing that I did something, to saying I'm sorry for it.

In the past, it was so hard for me I really had to psych myself up to do it.

I've gotten much better with time and practice, but admittedly, it still doesn't come easy for me.

A pivotal moment in learning this lesson was with my first boyfriend at university.

I had done something I knew I should apologize for.

I'm psyching myself up to do it, then I go and say I'm sorry to him.

I'm just waiting for the avalanche of accusations of what a terrible person I am and all the kinds of things heard from my mother.

And Kurt says, "Oh, okay. Thanks."

There was a momentary pause as I took in this diametric response............

Then I burst out crying. I was practically hysterical with it.

If you watch "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", there's an episode where Frank is choking at the table.

As he starts choking, Dennis stares at him and asks, "What's happening?"

Kurt's face showed the same reaction - wondering what was happening.

His expression said, "What is going on with this woman? Why is she being this way? I don't understand. Didn't I just say it was okay?"

Here's a clip from the episode, if you're interested. Dee and Dennis's psychotic looks at the end had me doubled over with laughter.

Thankfully Kurt didn't give me the dead-eye stare Dennis had when I apologized. It would have crushed my soul!

Even though I had the experiences I did growing up, I still faced my deep fear in that moment and apologized.

That was such a leap forward in my evolution as a person.

So if we can do that, regardless of what the other person says or does - that is what is important.

In my adulthood I apologized to my mother about things from the past where I felt I had caused pain.

She doesn't accept it, but I don't feel bad about that.

I know I did what was right and took responsibility for the parts I needed to.

That's what we do as people when we grow, so I always encourage people to do it.

And as best you can, try not to worry about whether or not they except your apology.

If they do forgive you, wonderful! If not, then at least you have done your part.

Then don't make the same mistake again! Or do your best, your very very best not to do whatever it was again.

Because if you understand what you did and you've taken ownership of it, then it's important to take the lesson and not repeat it.

We all do our junk. We are human, and humans will be human.

But let's try and do our best - the best we can.

I urge everybody to do that.

You may be like me and learned it wasn't safe to accept responsibility and apologize. It might not come very easily for you.

But it is well, well worth it to do that for your growth in this lifetime.

Lots of love and light to you always,

Ana Kay